Other people’s grief is not your responsibility.
A note to self.
As I’ve aged, I have learned 3 things honest about myself.
One: I am an empath. My sympathy, compassion and care has near to no bounds. Regardless of what the feeling is I can sense it. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned to both ignore these things to preserve my own mental stability and acknowledge them in important situations. For instance red flags- I almost always know or sense a red flag and it’s really just a coin toss as to if I trust or ignore my instincts.
The second honest thing I have learned about my self is that I always want to fix it. Whatever someone else’s problem is- I want to make it right. In most cases I genuinely believe that other people deserve better. I have this knack for wanting to show people that things are and can be better than they have had. It’s a matter of finding the energy or the scenario that best matches them or their energy. This almost always gets me into trouble because of the third honest thing.
I cannot fix everything. As much as I may want to be, I cannot be the bridge over someone’s grief. I cannot be the glue to put someone’s heart back together. I learned this most with myself. Trying to accelerate my own healing process lead to a lot of self medicating and borderline alcoholism. Instead of giving my self the space to hurt, the time to cry, I would tell my self to get over it. Then become disappointed in my self for not being “better”, and thus plunging further into a state of depression and self depreciation.
As you may be wondering dear reader, yes I’m currently going through it. I ignored my intuition and gambled my feelings on a hope and a prayer that I could help someone through their own grief so I could reap the rewards in the end. And to my own self sabotage I have lost. I cannot be someone else’s bridge over their grief. I have to keep typing it, and telling it to my self till eventually it will sink in. Why do we as humans constantly ignore our own instincts fully knowing it’s the best thing for us to trust?
If there’s one solid thing I have learned throughout this experience, it’s that even through my own cynicism in regards to relationships and “love”, I still have the capacity to care and feel for another human being. I was begging to fear that maybe I wouldn’t feel like this towards another person.
Maybe that was the point. This momentary blip in the track that is my life, to remind me not to give up. That hope is still there for me.
Time will tell if I learn.